


Desperate (Caring)

by syriala



Series: Meet Me Again, Time After Time [8]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Arc Reactor, Brainwashing, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Conditioning, Dying Tony, Hurt, Iron Man 2 compliant, M/M, everyone's worried
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-03
Updated: 2015-05-03
Packaged: 2018-03-28 20:03:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3868048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/syriala/pseuds/syriala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony is dying and he knows it. There is only one thing left to do and that is to give the Soldier his new arm. The Soldier is not on board with this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Desperate (Caring)

**Author's Note:**

> As I said before this chapter is entirely thanks to [Post U Later](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/3274420/) and you should totally go and thank her. I didn't even think to include Iron Man 2 in this until she mentioned it. And I am very grateful she did because Iron Man 2 makes for a lot of angst all by it's own. Have fun with that now.

Tony was dying, he knew that, but after the fight in Monaco he really started to feel it. 

He had made up his mind, had tried to tell Pepper on their way home, he even made her an omelet, but in the end he couldn’t tell her. She wasn’t inclined to go to Venice, wouldn’t take a break not even for him and he figured there was no point in telling her now. 

The press was already bad enough, she had a lot to do now as CEO, and after the hearing it wouldn’t bode well to admit that he was actually dying. They would go after his suits as soon as they caught wind of his condition. And he wasn’t ready for that. 

His affairs were mostly in order; he’d made Pepper CEO so that his company was in good hands and that Pepper had a job once he was gone and he finally updated his will so that Rhodey, Happy and Pepper got the majority of his belongings. He even made a special paragraph for Dummy, You and Jarvis and he felt like everything was done. 

He planned to give one of his earlier suits to Rhodey, it would be enough to keep the peace he so hard fought for while also keeping Rhodey safe, and it would be coded only to Rhodey so that no one else could use it. Jarvis would make sure of that. 

His other suits would be destroyed as soon as his heart stopped beating and Tony was certain that no one could build them up again. 

After his failed attempt at finally telling Pepper the truth they spend the rest of the flight in silence. Tony was busy trying to figure out how to hand Rhodey the suit without being obvious about it and Pepper was probably busy with all the backlash from the fight in Monaco, so he figured it would be best not to disturb her. 

He was glad when they finally landed and he let Happy drive him back to the mansion. He figured since he as giving everyone what they wanted, Pepper the company and Rhodey the suit, he could finally let Happy drive him. He got a strange look when he climbed in the backseat but he was too tired and sore to really care. 

Pepper and that new assistant, Natalie, drove in another car ahead of them and Tony was glad that he didn’t have to pretend for a few minutes. Sure, Happy looked concerned but Tony could easily pretend he was tired from the fight. Pepper already suspected that something was wrong so pretending was harder with her. 

He didn’t particularly trust the new assistant, she seemed too competent and perfect and exactly what he was looking for, not to mention her ability to fight, but he was sure that Pepper could handle her. She was probably after him anyways so that wouldn’t be a problem anymore when he was dead. 

The only thing that was left to worry about was the Soldier. He had finished the arm shortly after the last visit and Tony really wanted to give it to the Soldier before he died. He hadn’t seen the Soldier since his symptoms had started and Tony knew that he was quickly running out of time. 

He had no way of finding the Soldier so he had to rely on him coming back; so far Tony had no luck with that. He saw the Soldier a few times in the park, however whenever he asked when he would come by again the Soldier vanished and so Tony had stopped. He valued their time together too much to drive him away with his questions and so he hadn’t brought it up in the last months. 

But as the days ticked by and his blood toxicity level steadily rose he began to lose hope that he would see the Soldier again. 

When they finally reached his home Tony had a hard time getting out of the car without stumbling. He knew that he had to change the reactor core again soon and it frightened him how quickly he went through them now. And he didn’t drink the proper amount of the concoction Jarvis made for him to counter the effects of the poisoning so he really started to feel it. He was dizzy, moving was kinda hard, and he felt hot and cold all over. But he managed to walk into the house without stumbling and he was proud of that. 

Pepper and Natalia were already sitting in the living-room, obviously working and Tony winced. He was very sorry for all the work he caused Pepper but on the other hand this was really not his fault. He had been the one who was attacked. 

He felt truly sorry for the other drivers who had been hurt or even died during the attack and that would follow him for a long time, for the rest of his very short life anyway, but Tony didn’t go out and recklessly challenged someone. He was as much a victim as the others and it stung that no one saw it like that and instead blamed him. 

He was about to make an unnecessary remark, he knew it, he was tired and hurt and Pepper was already glaring at him like she dared him to say a word, but before Tony could do anything stupid Jarvis spoke up. 

“Sir, protocol Surprise is in play. In your workshop, it has been going for some time now. It would be appreciated if you could come down as soon as possible.” 

Tony’s eyes went wide for a second and now Pepper eyed him curiously. Protocol Surprise was Jarvis and Tony’s code word for the Soldier and Tony found himself already halfway thought the room. 

“I’ll be in the workshop then. This demands my attention. I don’t wanna be disturbed. Jarvis, protocol Blackout.” 

“Tony, you shouldn’t…” Pepper started but Tony ignored her and walked down the stairs as fast as he dared. 

He was really glad that he had installed a handrail or otherwise he probably would have fallen down. It had originally been for Pepper and he distantly wondered how Pepper walked down those stairs in her high heels without ever using it but then his workshop came into sight and the Soldier was indeed standing at the far end, door in his view. 

He slightly relaxed when he noticed Tony although he didn’t move and he seemed on edge. Dummy was wheeling around obviously excited and You was staying close to the Soldier who seemed uncomfortable with the bot. 

“Glad you’re here, I have something for you” Tony started when he walked into the workshop and pulled up the plans for the arm while Dummy went to get the actual thing. 

It seemed like this was the first time that the Soldier wasn’t confused about who Tony was or why he was there but as soon as the Soldier laid eyes on the plans he started to shake. He fell into parade rest, obviously a conditioned response, but he had gone pale behind his mask and the shaking spread over his whole body. 

“What’s wrong?” Tony asked and the Soldier’s eyes darted around. 

He obviously didn’t find what he was looking for and in the end he only managed a weak “Please.” 

“Please what? I wanted to give this to you” Tony said and pointed at the arm in Dummy’s claw. 

“Please, don’t” the Soldier said and he sounded close to tears. “Don’t hurt me.” 

“I won’t hurt you” Tony said and frowned. He hadn’t considered that the Soldier would probably associate the arm with pain. “Look, I made a new one for you” he explained when the Soldier didn’t react. “We just have to attach it and then it won’t hurt anymore.” 

At that the Soldier backed away from Tony until his back hit the wall. “You betrayed me” he whispered and he sounded broken. “I thought you were safe and instead you’re working with them.” 

“I’m not working with anyone” Tony tried to explain but the Soldier ducked, like Tony’s words could hurt him. 

“I remembered you and you are only another one of my handlers. You’re working with him” the Soldier mumbled like he hadn’t heard Tony and Tony didn’t know what to do. 

“I’m working with who?” he asked just to have something other to do than feel miserable for scaring the Soldier like that. Instead of an answer the Soldier pointed at another screen. 

Tony had asked Jarvis to compile a file about Anton and Ivan Vanko and their faces were on that screen. “You’re working with the inventor.” 

Tony frowned at the screen. “With Vanko? I’m not working with him. My father worked with him until he got deported and his son just attacked me. I’m definitely not working with them.” 

The Soldier had crouched down on the floor, his head in his hands and Tony very slowly approached him. “I’m not working with them” he repeated and he couldn’t help but worry about the Soldier. If any connection to his employers, or handlers as he called them, brought this strong reaction on he really didn’t want to meet them. Except to maybe punch them in the face. 

“Did they attack you because you’re betraying them too?” the Soldier asked and cautiously looked at Tony. 

“I’m not betraying anyone. Ivan Vanko attacked me because he thinks I wronged his father or something.” 

Now he definitely had the Soldier’s attention. “You did something to the inventor?” 

Tony shook his head. “I didn’t. He is dead. Died a few months ago as it seems.” 

“He’s dead?” the Solider asked and he sounded unmistakably hopeful and Tony nodded. “If you’re not working with them why do you have an arm?” the Soldier questioned and looked at the screens again. 

“Because it’s hurting you and I can do better than that.” 

Tony had finished it shortly after the last visit of the Soldier but since then he had made several improvements. He had even discussed his plans with the one doctor he trusted with the arc reactor and everything was in place. They had a solid plan and the doctor would be ready whenever Tony called him in. Tony was sure the arm would serve as a good replacement for the one the Soldier had now, even as a better one because it would take the strain off the rest of his body, and if he wanted to give it to the Soldier now was the time. He wasn’t so sure he would get another chance for that. 

“You can’t” the Soldier said and shook his head. “If you’re not working with them they’ll notice. You can’t.” 

Tony thought back to the time when he had bandaged the Soldier and he recalled that he then had also been worried that someone would notice that he had help. 

“I get that” Tony said but he really, really didn’t. “But this is the only time I can offer you this. The pain would be gone.” 

The Soldier frantically shook his head. “They would inflict more” he said and slowly started to shake again. Before Tony could speak his mind about those handlers of the Soldier he went on. “Where are you going?” he asked and grabbed Tony’s arms. “You cannot leave.” 

The grip hurt but Tony didn’t comment on it. It was clear that the Soldier was worried. “Things are not looking so good right now” Tony vaguely said and didn’t meet the Soldier’s eyes. He wasn’t ready to tell anyone that he was dying. 

“You think he will kill you” the Soldier stated and Tony didn’t have the heart to tell him that Ivan was also dead now. The police had called him on his way home to tell Tony that someone had smuggled a bomb into his cell and that he died there. After all this was the perfect excuse. 

“He’s strong” Tony mumbled and the Soldier’s gaze fell to his neck. 

“He hurt you” he said and cautiously extended a hand. Tony quickly covered the proof of his poisoning and instead of explaining everything he nodded. The grip the Soldier had on him fractionally increased but then he retracted his hands. 

“You’re really not working for them?” the Soldier asked again and Tony sat down next to him, shoulder to shoulder, and he counted it as a win that the Soldier didn’t flinch or move away. 

“I’m not working with anyone. I’m barely working with my AI” Tony answered and Jarvis seemed to feel the need to verify that. “Sadly that is true. We would both be better off if he did.” Tony fought the urge to childishly stick out his tongue at him but it seemed like it relaxed the Soldier. 

“Good” he mumbled and they sat in silence for a few minutes until the Soldier got up. “I have to go. I’ve been here too long.” 

Tony had indeed wondered about that. Jarvis had mentioned that the Soldier had been down here for some time and he never stayed longer than an hour. “You waited for me” Tony said and the Soldier shrugged. 

“You weren’t here.” 

It made Tony wonder how long the Soldier would wait for him once he was dead. Or if he would listen to Jarvis when he told him that Tony wouldn’t come back. 

“I’m sorry” Tony said and with that he was already apologizing for the time when he wouldn’t come back. 

The Soldier didn’t acknowledge his apology and went to the door to leave. Before Tony could warn him that people were in his living-room Jarvis said “Sir, Colonel Rhodes is approaching.” 

The Soldier turned to Tony and Tony cursed. “You can’t leave. You need to hide. He has override codes.” 

He wasn’t sure if that meant anything to the Soldier but to Tony’s relieve he quickly ventured deeper into his workshop and after a few seconds Tony couldn’t see him anymore. 

Tony tried to quickly stand up but when the world tilted he wished he had taken it slower. He steadied himself at the wall and then walked over to his car to sit in it, the screens about Ivan and Anton Vanko in front of him. He had Jarvis explain it to him because he was too tired to read, not to mention that the words danced in front of his eyes, and like Tony had predicted Rhodey entered his override code. 

When he came in he immediately started talking about the suits and how they would be taken away from Tony because someone already had his technology. He didn’t respond to Rhodey but when Rhodey asked if he was even listening Tony looked at him. He seemed to have a worse poker face than he thought because Rhodey leaned down and asked “Are you okay?” 

Instead of answering Tony clasped his shoulder and forced a smile on his face. “Let’s go” he said and slid out of the car on the opposite side of Rhodey but he was already walking around it. 

And that was a good thing because now that Tony had relaxed he felt even worse than before and couldn’t stand. As soon as he left the car his legs gave out under him and only the door held him remotely upright. Rhodey was at his side in seconds. He helped Tony up, arm around his waist and when he asked if Tony was alright he directed him to his desk and the cigar box that was on it. 

He should have changed the core much sooner but the Soldier had kind of distracted him. Rhodey took one of the new palladium cores out while Tony removed the arc reactor, idly wondering if the Soldier was watching and would ever use that against him. No one except Pepper and Rhodey knew that the reactor was removable but he guessed now one more person knew his secret. 

Rhodey was obviously worried about the fact that the core was smoking but Tony tried to calm him down with telling him that it was due to the reactor wall. No need to tell him that it had more repercussions on his body than he would have liked. 

Rhodey obviously wasn’t convinced and when Tony turned around to put the reactor back he forgot about the signs on his neck and Rhodey promptly noticed. “How about the high tech crossword puzzle on your neck?” he asked and Tony sighed. 

“Road rash” Tony explained, figuring that it was as good an explanation as anything but when he turned to Rhodey he could see that he wasn’t fooled. Still, Rhodey handed him his reactor and Tony put it back where it belonged. It even took longer to work properly now and he had to hit it a few times until it kicked back in. He felt immediately better but he knew that it was only a temporary relieve. He would burn through this one even faster than the last. 

He reached for his drink, knowing that he should at least try to drink as much as Jarvis deemed necessary, and when he turned around to Rhodey he saw that he was watching him. 

“What are you looking at?” Tony asked him. 

“I’m looking at you” Rhodey answered while Tony drank from the bottle. Tony hated it when Rhodey looked at him like that but he figured that it was a good thing now because it meant he wouldn’t accidentally spot the Soldier. 

“You wanna do this whole lone gunslinger act and it’s unnecessary. You don’t have to do this alone” Rhodey continued and Tony desperately wished that could be true. 

But he figured there was no need to worry him or Pepper over something neither of them could change. “You know I wish I could believe that, I really do. But you gotta trust me. Contrary to popular believe I know exactly what I’m doing.” 

That wasn’t always true but right now he had done everything he needed to in order to keep Rhodey, Pepper and Happy safe and as far as things went and that was the important thing. 

Still, Rhodey continued to look at him like he didn’t believe him and Tony couldn’t take it anymore. “You know what? I’m actually really busy so if you could leave me alone now? I have to work.” 

“You can barely stand. How are you going to work?” 

“I’ll find a way” Tony answered and really hoped that Rhodey would leave soon. 

The Soldier had been worried about the time before Rhodey had dropped by and Tony figured that with every passing minute the risk of being missed rose. 

Luckily Rhodey sighed and said “Fine. But I’m dragging you out for diner. You’re not doing so fine, you have to eat.” 

“Okay” Tony agreed, not really listening but desperate to get him out of his workshop. Rhodey measured him with one last worried look but then he went back upstairs. 

When Tony turned around in his chair the Soldier was already standing behind him. “You are dying” he accused and pointed at the reactor. 

“I might” Tony said and shrugged. “I might also find a solution to this.” 

The Soldier looked in the direction Rhodey went and said “You didn’t tell him.” 

He didn’t need to explain that if Tony was convinced he could find a solution to this he would have told Rhodey so and Tony wondered when he became so damn readable. But maybe it was just the Soldier. 

“No I didn’t.” The Soldier turned his gaze back to him and Tony took a deep breath. “Fine. I’m dying. Happy now?” he asked bitterly and the Soldier frowned at him. 

“What is that?” he asked and pointed at his neck again. 

“It’s from the poison” Tony answered and tapped at his arc reactor. 

“Take it out” the Soldier said and reached for the reactor. Tony couldn’t help but flinch back and the Soldier dropped his hand. 

“I can’t. It saved my life, remember? I can’t take it out. It still keeps me alive.” 

“It’s killing you” the Soldier said and sounded confused and Tony couldn’t help but laugh at this irony. 

“It does indeed. And I can’t change it. There’s nothing I can do.” 

The Soldier didn’t look happy at that prospect but he didn’t react in any other way. “That’s why I offered you the arm today. I can’t look after it, after you, anymore. I have to know that you are…well, safe. As safe as it gets. And giving you an arm that doesn’t hurt you is part of that.” 

“I am safe” the Soldier said and he sounded confused now. 

Tony shook his head. “No you’re not. Not with the way you talk about the people you work for.” 

“I don’t work. I’m their asset. I belong to them.” 

Cold spread throughout Tony’s body and he gritted his teeth. “You do not belong to anyone except yourself. Who do you work for?” 

The Soldier didn’t answer his question and Tony breathed deeply before he rephrased it. “Who owns you?” 

“My handler” the Soldier answered. 

“Who does he work for then?” 

“He is the head. He works for no one. He owns.” 

Tony really wished he would get a name out of the Soldier. Maybe he could take whoever that handler was down before he died. 

“Who are you?” he asked the Soldier who immediately fell into parade rest again. 

“I am the asset. The asset is no one.” 

It sounded suspiciously like a learned phrase for that question and Tony cursed the handler. 

“Why don’t you remember me when you come to me?” 

The Soldier’s look lost his focus and he sounded dazed when he answered. “There’s a chair and pain. I have to keep you safe. They cannot know.” 

“Please” Tony pleaded “just give me something to help you.” 

The Soldier looked at him like he didn’t understand but he relaxed again. “I have to go. I stayed to long. They cannot know.” 

He walked towards the door and Tony wanted to run after him but he knew his legs wouldn’t support him. 

“I won’t be here when you come back again” he whispered and the Soldier turned back around one last time. 

“You came back before” was all he said before he slid out of the door. 

Tony wanted to yell after him that Pepper and Natalie were still in the living-room but the Soldier was already gone. Since he didn’t hear any screaming and no one came to question him about the Soldier Tony guessed that he had managed to stay unseen. 

Tony really hoped that the Soldier was right, that he somehow would come back from this but he didn’t really believe it. Jarvis and he hadn’t found a solution yet, none of the other elements worked, and Tony wasn’t sure what else there was to try. 

Before he could drown in despair over that he worked on his plan to give Rhodey the suit. Maybe he couldn’t help the Soldier, and he would regret that for the rest of his very short life, but he would damn well make sure that the rest of his friends were safe. After all there was nothing left to do for him except that. 

“Sir, if I may, Colonel Rhodes could probably help you” Jarvis said and Tony wasn’t sure if he meant his health or research or the Soldier but all Tony could see was an opportunity to do one last thing for the Soldier. 

“Jarvis, make a new file. Collect everything you have on the Soldier. All the video files and the research on the arm. Send it to Rhodey after I’m dead. Tell him he has to find him. He has to help him.” 

“Yes, Sir” Jarvis said and if Tony wouldn’t know better he would say he sounded sad. 

Tony was sure that Rhodey would curse him for that but in the end he would do what Tony asked. He felt a lot better now, knowing that someone would take care of the Soldier once he was gone. 

Now all that’s left to do was the suit. Tony wasn’t sure when Rhodey would be angrier: when he found out Tony gave him the suit because he was dying or when he realized that Tony had one last job for him. Tony was almost sad he wouldn’t see his reaction to that. 

Tony huffed out a laugh and started working on the suit for Rhodey. He needed to work fast, he didn’t know how much time he had left but he would make the best of it. That was all he could do now.

**Author's Note:**

> I hoped you enjoyed this and as alway I have to thank you for all the nice comments and kudos you leave on this story.
> 
> You can always come and find me at my [tumblr](http://bloody-bee-tea.tumblr.com/)


End file.
